When writing a novel, picture book or other story, there are sentence constructions you should avoid and revise out when you copyedit. Here’s my top 5 list of the Worst Sentence Constructions.

1. Would
   Example: We would take walks daily. We would start at our house and we would go toward the lake and then we would circle back around.
   Why it’s bad: This construction is past tense, but talks about something habitual. Rarely does this type of summary narrative work because it’s too general and has the annoying repetition of “would.” Instead, give the reader one succinct memory of a special day.
2. As
   Example: As the sun came up, she ate her toast and jelly.
   Why it’s bad:
   • “As” implies that two events happen simultaneously, and yes, sometimes they do. But the construction is often overused. Please make sure that the events are simultaneous and not sequential. Here, it would be better to rewrite it this way (which also includes more sensory details and better verbs):
     The sunrise spread a red stain over the sea. Maria crunched her dry toast and wished for jelly.
   • Or, “As” is used to summarize something that covers a long period of time, such as a sunrise.
   • Finally, writers who tend to use the “As” construction badly, use it frequently. It’s a tic that is annoying. I just read a paragraph from one writer and there are four “as” and two more “as if”. Too much!
3. To be verbs: is, are, has, had, am (and so on)
   Example: It was sad.
   Why it’s bad:
   To be verbs indicate a state of being; they do not indicate action. Great writing focuses on action, especially in picture books for kids. Instead replace To Be verbs with strong active verbs.

   Let’s rewrite and give the sentence both a strong subject and strong verb:
   Grandmother wiped tears from her wrinkled cheeks.

4. Speech tags other than “said”

   Example: “Look out,” she blurted.
   “Look out,” she moaned.
   “Look out,” she hiccuped.

   Why it’s bad: I know that students are often taught to replace “said” with other words, but it rarely works in professional writing. It’s a great exercise for a thesaurus, but not for great writing. For commercial fiction, using other speech tags draws attention to the tag, instead of the dialogue where you want the reader to pay attention. Only use alternates when it’s imperative to do so.

   Rewrites–you have a couple options here, each with a slightly different emphasis. An alternative may work–but be sure you need it :
   “Look out!”
   “Run!” she screamed.
   “Fool, look out,” she said.

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by Darcy Pattison

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30 Days to Stronger Scenes: Table of Contents

Fiction Notes works to help you write stronger, better stories that will result in a contract! Here are 30 posts about writing stronger scenes.

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SCENE 1: What has the Most Potential for Improving Your Writing?

SCENE 2: Elements of a Scene

SCENE 3: Scene v. Narrative

SCENE 4: Plan a Scene

SCENE 5: Beat Sheets

SCENE 6: Keeping Scenes on Track

SCENE 7: Showdown in Every Scene

SCENE 8: List of Possible Scenes

SCENE 9: Scene List v. Synopsis

SCENE 10: Plotting with Scenes

SCENE 11: Scene Cuts

SCENE 12: Avoid 5 Plotting Mistakes by Using Scenes

SCENE 13: Not Worthy of a Full Scene

SCENE 14: Omit a Scene

SCENE 15: How to Salvage a Scene

SCENE 16: Aiming for Bull’s Eye

SCENE 17: KaBlam! Dynamite Scenes

SCENE 18: Special Scenes: Flashback Scenes

SCENE 19: Special Scenes: Openings

SCENE 20: Special Scenes: Big Scenes

SCENE 21: Special Scenes: Set up big Scenes

SCENE 22: Special Scenes: Climax

SCENE 23: Special Scenes: Final Scenes

SCENE 24: Stories that Spaghetti

SCENE 25: 10 Scene Problems Solved

SCENE 26: All Dialogue Scenes

SCENE 27: Love Scenes

SCENE 28: Scene Length

SCENE 29: Dear-Editor Talks about Scenes

SCENE 30: Scene Checklist

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Top 5 Tips for Dynamite Scenes

Guest Post By Roz Morris

30 Days to a Stronger Scene Table of Contents

Have you got a scene that’s looking lifeless? Here’s how I pep it up.

Have something change.

No scene should ever go as the reader expects. If you have a character set out to buy a pint of milk and all they do is amble to the shop, buy their stuff and walk back, you’ve hit the snooze button. Instead, take that scene somewhere the reader is not expecting. It needn’t be a big twist. It could be tiny – a change of mood, a resolution to do something. But if nothing changes, the scene isn’t worth showing.
To keep the sense of progress through the story, a scene should always contain change. Otherwise it hasn’t earned its place in the story.

Make that change have consequences for the characters.

Suppose you add something to your milk-buying scene – the character realises her boyfriend claimed he bought a certain brand of cigarette from the corner shop, but that shop doesn’t sell them. So where did he get them? And isn’t it odd that they are the same brand smoked by his ex? Are they seeing each other again?
If a change has happened, it should have a lasting effect in the story. Again, it could be small, or it could set them on a new and dastardly path. Good scenes don’t exist in isolation; they affect what comes after them. And they are affected by what happened before.

If you have to fill a blank, bring something in that you introduced earlier.

In the thick of a scene, you often have to invent details off the top of your head. Where was your minor character John last night? The cinema, you write, because it doesn’t matter where he was, he’s not very important. But go back and look at what you’ve written about John before. Is there something else you already invented that you could bring in instead? Three chapters ago, did you send him, quite casually, to choir practice? Why not send him there again, or to the chemist to get throat lozenges? Now we’re fleshing John out and with very little effort.

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Bringing back ideas you used before is a great way to make the world of your story feel more solid.

Even if what you’re using is trivial it can build up – and who knows where it might lead? It’s a technique called reincorporation. It makes stories elegant and satisfying. And it adds to the feeling that everything matters.
Keep a list of everything you plucked off the top of your head because you needed to fill a blank space. You’d be surprised how useful it will be.

Have a sense of purpose coming into the scene and going out.

Screenwriters have a mantra: ‘come in late and go out early’. When I’m revising one of the major problems I find is that the first half of the scene is throat-clearing before the interesting stuff happens – the revelation the reader doesn’t expect, the point where it all goes wrong. They’re having a chat on the way to work and then the car blows a tyre. But it would be far better if they got into that car with a sense of urgency from a previous scene – instead of marking time until the tyre causes a problem. Perhaps one of the characters is spoiling for a showdown – and then the tyre ruins the moment because they have to co-operate to get out of trouble.

Have conflict.

Conflict is the engine of story. Whole books have been written about it, but in essence, it’s when things aren’t going smoothly. One person wants something, the other has it. Or is oblivious to the other person’s need. Or is competing for that same thing. This tension creates drama. If a scene needs more sizzle, could you add some conflict?
Change, consequences, reincorporation, purpose and conflict – you may not need them all at once, but these five elements will make your scenes go with a bang.

Roz Morris is a ghostwriter now being represented under her own name. Her blog is www.nailyournovel.com and she is on Twitter @dirtywhitecandy. She critiques for a top literary consultancy and is the author of Nail Your Novel – Why Writers Abandon Books and How You Can Draft, Fix and Finish with Confidence, available from and outside the US from Lulu http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/nail-your-novel/5301103.

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Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

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Revising in the Home Stretch

I know what method of working has made the first 2/3 of my mss better. I’m just getting tired.

Don’t get Lazy Now! I’m on the last third. I know that I must rewrite a major scene for a subplot/secondary character climax. But much of these later chapter are in good shape. By now in the story, so much is set, the stakes are established, character arcs and plot arcs are underway, the scenes are focused and full of tension. My inclination is to avoid the work!

But I think it’s still essential to question everything! Runners know you can’t stop until you’ve actually crossed the Finish Line.

Questions I’m still asking myself:
Is this scene essential to the story line?
Is there a better way to present this scene?
Is there a better way to set it up?
Can I raise the stakes?
Is the dialogue snappy enough?
Could the reader possible be confused at any point?
Are the emotions still building?
Are the characters’ actions exciting?
Can I improve the language at any point?
Are descriptions static or full of emotions?
Can I connect scenes in any way?

Of course, each scene presents new challenges, so these are only a few of the concerns at this point. The main problem is to not rush this last section, to slow down and take each scene very seriously, as if this scene might prevent the entire book from working well. It’s very, very hard. I want to be finished! But I’m trying to keep to the working method that worked and trying to keep myself focused and working.

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Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

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Oliver News and Let Me Solve Your Writing Problems

• Oliver News. Since The Journey of Oliver K. Woodman has come out in paperback this year, it has been featured in many recommended book lists. For example, Hicklebees Independent Bookstore in San Jose, CA starts its review this way, “We can’t think of any book in which people smile as often and as widely as they do in The Journey of Oliver K. Woodman. . . ” For more updates on Oliver, see his website.
• Shrunken Manuscript Sighted. Elleen Booream reveals all in this photo of her novel in Shrunken Manuscript format. She says,
  “As I recall, dialogue was pink. Notice the decided pink tinge to the manuscript.”
• SCBWI Updates Website. Alice Pope summarizes changes to the New-and-Improved SCBWI website.
• Great blog. Well, I was going to link to some of Roz Morris’ posts on her Dirty White Candy blog. But really, I liked all of them. It’s my new favorite blog!
• Turning Negative into Positive. Rejection letters are a blessing? Yes!
• Solving Your Writing Problems One at at Time. Who Needs That Book? Get a sneak peek at the new Fiction Notes Store! We’ve added a section to Fiction Notes, a bookstore with annotations for each book, focusing on what book can help solve a particular problem that writer’s encounter.

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Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

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Memoir of a Successful Book Trailer in Six Words

by guest Lisa Gottfried of DigitalWeavers.com

NOTE: Lisa did the editing for my retreat video. She spoke at the San Rafael conference and I was interested enough to try her services, for which I paid. This is an invited guest post and she speaks here as a professional working full time on video promotions.

Thanks to the editors at SMITH magazine, the popular mini-memoir book “Not Quite What I was Planning,” is full of incredible pieces, all only six words long, some uplifting, some intellectual, some tragic, some incredibly accessible, but all what I would consider to be successful.

It got me thinking about the economy of communication and how that translates to book trailers. If I were to edit a book filled with only links to book trailer videos, which ones would make the cut and which would not? Could I narrow down the critical elements of a good book trailer into six words? Here’s what I would write.

Memoir of a Successful Book trailer by Lisa Gottfried

Economic Focused Editing; Authentic Emotional Entertainment

If these ideas can be met and done well, no matter whether an author has a budget of $200 or $2,000, a book trailer can be successful, i.e. move a viewer to get excited about the book, share the trailer with friends, write an on-line review of your book. Let’s look at the six key ingredients to a successful book trailer.

Economic – 30-90 seconds

On-line audiences are interacting with their computer, not passively watching a TV. You either get the message across in a short time, or your viewers are moving on with the click of a button. We all know this.

But keeping communications brief and to the point is an art form. The length of a book trailer should be thirty to ninety seconds. You might get away with two minutes, but an eight-minute trailer needs the eyes and ears of a good editor, no matter how famous the author.

Think billboard. You’ve got 10 seconds as the car drives by to get your point across. Think, big, bold and simple. Leave an impression, don’t tell the whole story. Steer clear of special effects unless they are used sparingly. Like they say on “Top Chef,” if the food is on the plate just for looks and doesn’t add anything to the taste of the dish, it shouldn’t be on the plate. Focus, focus, focus.

Edited – balance and blend text, images, audio.

Every piece to the book trailer puzzle needs to fit perfectly. The music needs to go with the words just right, not be tacked on. If you use subtitles or printed words, the pace needs to be slow enough to read and take in the background images, but not so slow that it’s excruciating to watch.

I highly recommend using a voice over artist to speed things along, but if you don’t have the budget for one, subtitles can work. Keep your sentences and phrases under six words at a time. It’s also tempting to put the entire review on your trailer. Here’s an example of how I would edit a review for a trailer for “The ABC’s of Writing for Children,”

“Pentacoff provides a most fun and readable book, packed with insights and inspiration about the children’s book field from the people who know best–the authors and illustrators.” -Andrea Brown

The pieces I would include on the trailer might be:

“…most fun and readable book….”
“…packed with insights from the people who know best…..”

It makes sense that authors want to be wordy. This is their craft. With book trailers you need to move in what might feel like a counter-intuitive direction, where less is more, a LOT less.

Authentic – be real

Web viewers have a lower threshold for BS (your Basic Story). Don’t try to be something you are not because viewers will sniff you out in an instant and be on to other things faster than you can say “boo.” People know when they are being “sold” to and there is less tolerance on-line for the tactics used on TV commercials. Your message needs to be more down-to-earth, user friendly.

You can provide something more home-grown and people will be more receptive to the message. However, home-grown does not mean cheesy. Production value still needs to be there.

Emotional – look for teasers

Find a place in the book where there is some emotional pull and concentrate your efforts there. You want to offer a teaser, a trailer that gives the viewer the essence of the writing while using the emotional moment as the vehicle to deliver that content. Trailers are not simply fancy announcements of your upcoming book. If viewers can emotionally connect, they will buy your book. Remind viewers of their humanity. Grab them by the heart strings.

Entertainment – make ‘em laugh; then make ‘em cry

Here is where I am amazed that writers seem to forget the basics of, well…writing. You start a novel with some interest. You don’t tell the reader, you show them. The same holds true for book trailers.

Is there an interesting piece of dialogue you can lift from your book? A moment when things seem really charged? Where is your book entertaining? Grab a piece of that pie and serve it up.

Your name and reputation is on the line and if the trailer is not done well with a certain standard of sound, images and final product, don’t bother putting it on the web. Poorly done book trailers can hinder sales and ruin reputations. Instead, a great book trailer serves as the place where a potential reader flips open the book and randomly reads a page. Why not make it choose a juicy and entertaining page?

Lisa Gottfried runs her own book trailer, digital video, and website business, DigitalWeavers.com. She brings over fifteen years of experience to the video and web marketing field and specializes in children’s book author promotion. Lisa is available for speaking engagements around the San Francisco Bay Area and around the nation.

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Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

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ROAD TO TATER HILL by Edith Hemingway

Introduced first in 2007, debut children’s authors have formed a cooperative effort to market their books. Last year, I featured many of the Class of 2k8 on Revision Notes, as they told the stories of how 2k8 Novels Were Revised.

Today, I’m glad to continue the 2k9 Series of novel revision stories.
Class of 2k9

“When your editor says your character isn’t stepping up to the plate…” by Edith M. Hemingway, author of ROAD TO TATER HILL (Delacorte Press, September 8, 2009)

Structural Changes?

I consider the process of revision to be the true meat of writing. In fact, I revised my middle grade novel, ROAD TO TATER HILL, for three years before I decided it was finished and polished enough to submit to an editor. So, when I heard from Michelle Poploff, VP and Executive Editor of Delacorte Press, that she was interested in talking to me about my manuscript, I was confident that if she wanted it, there would of course be changes, but surely not major structural revisions.

She was interested and wanted to set up a telephone conversation a week later. I asked if there was something I should be thinking about in terms of revision before we talked. She said, “My assistant and I think your character, Drew, isn’t stepping up to the plate. We’d like you to consider removing him entirely from the story.”

I was thankful this was communicated through email and not face to face or over the telephone because there would have been a groan, a gasp, or a fleeting look of panic. My immediate reaction was, “How on earth could I take my brother out of my book?”

What I neglected to say earlier is that the seed for ROAD TO TATER HILL was my own childhood experience of the premature birth and death of my baby sister. Since I started writing it as a memory of an emotional childhood incident for a creative writing assignment, of course I included my older brother in the story. He was a significant part of the whole experience within our family. As the story evolved into fiction and took on more characters and an actual plot and story arc, the brother in the story tagged along, too. We had always been close, and I could not imagine life without him for either my character, Annie Winters, or me. However, the student in me that constantly strives to improve my writing urged me to be open to all suggestions—especially those from an experienced editor.

Yes, to Editor’s Suggestions

By the time our telephone conversation rolled around, I had come to terms with the change and realized the loss of a longed-for baby sister would be all the more poignant if Annie were an only child. I had even taken the necessary steps to mark every point in the story where Drew had appeared physically, through dialogue with other characters, or by reference in Annie’s thoughts and memory—especially those scenes where he played a significant role in driving plot points. Drew had appeared in 81 pages out of the then 154 total. I had also figured out the perfect character to beef up and take over the plot points that Drew could no longer control—Bobby Miller, the neighbor boy, who not only now became Annie’s best friend, but also added an interesting boy/girl dimension to the story.

Michelle and I talked for nearly two hours—going over those ideas in addition to many other lesser points and clarifications she needed. She ended the conversation by saying she would mail back my manuscript with all her written comments and suggested I think it over for a couple of weeks to decide if I wanted to move forward with these revisions. I did not tell her then that I had already decided—of course I would make those changes and even take them a step further!

Taking Time to Plan Revision

Once I received the manuscript, I spent several days reading through and taking meticulous notes. Then I put together a 4-page revision strategy list which included 9 detailed character improvements, 17 other considerations based on Michelle’s questions, a clarification of the time span of the entire story, and a plan for resequencing some of the major scenes.

Before scheduling our next telephone conversation, I emailed this detailed revision plan to Michelle, so she had time to look it over first. When we talked, her first words were, “You’ve really stepped up to the plate.” I had demonstrated that I was ready, willing, and able to make the revisions they wanted, and they were ready to offer me a contract, even before I completed the revisions.

Yes, there were more revisions required after I finished the first round and even before we reached the copy-editing stage. I even rewrote the entire novel in the first person point of view in order to dig deeper into the emotional core. It sounds as if I made every single change my editor suggested, but no, I didn’t. There were a few ideas that just didn’t ring true to my characters, even though I tried. In those cases, I came up with alternative plans that worked as well or better. I also learned that revisions often need to be done in layers, rather than all at once. One change perhaps leads to another change, which in turn reveals another problem that must be fixed, and so on. The hardest thing for me is to know when to finally stop revising.

I firmly believe, however, that my willingness to trust my editor, listen to her suggestions, and follow through with revisions was critical in landing my first “solo” contract!

Edith M. Hemingway
mistylodge@verizon.net
Road to Tater Hill
Delacorte Press, Sept. 8, 2009

http://www.classof2k9.com

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

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Introduced first in 2007, authors debuting children’s books have formed a cooperative effort to market their novels. Last year, I featured many of the stories of how the 2k8 Novels Were Revised. This is part of the ongoing stories from the Class of 2k9 authors and how they went about revising their novels.

From Creative Writing Class to Publication

Guest Post by
Donna St. Cyr
www.donnastcyr.com

The Secrets of the Cheese Syndicate

Inspiration. I began writing this story as an assignment for my writing class. My children had given me the idea by their daily antics (that’s how many of my stories are born). The final assignment for this class was to submit something that was around ten chapters in length. The instructor loved what I sent and encouraged me to finish and pursue publication with it.

Outline provides initial vision. Before I started the actual writing, I brainstormed how I might want the story to look, creating a pathfinder to give me some plot possibilities. It’s an action/adventure fantasy, so it really is a pretty plot-driven story. After I sketched the story out, I began writing. It didn’t take long for me to pitch the original outline and begin writing from the hip, so to speak. I was glad, however, that I’d started with the outline because it gave me a vision for the story, even though that vision changed as I wrote.

One and a half-years to a full draft. I have a nasty habit of revising as I go, so every time I wrote a chapter or two, I’d edit it right away. After that, I’d send it out to my critique group. These actions took care of many of my line edits and helped me with plot inconsistencies and pointing out spots where my narrative was too much “tell” and not enough “show”. To write the entire manuscript and revise it through my critique group took about a year to a year and a half.

Six months revising. When I felt like I’d finished the story, I sent it back through my critique group, looking specifically for “big picture” items. Some of the things we concentrated on during the second round of edits included character action and language that was consistent through the story, consistency through the plotline, holes in the story that needed to be filled in, places where the action sagged, and depth of characters. This took another six months or so and I felt pretty good about the manuscript by that point, so I started subbing it out to publishers.

Acceptance! I’d sent the story out five times – with five rejections – before I saw a call for manuscripts of Verla Kay’s Children’s Writers and Illustrators Message Board. I thought my story fit Blooming Tree’s expectations, so I sent it in. About four months later I received a call – acceptance – YAY! I thought I was done ——— NOT!

Revise for Editor. My editor told me the story was not yet finished. It needed more action, more depth of character and more EVERYTHING! This was probably the most difficult point in the revision process for me. I really wanted to be finished, but I took a good hard look at the manuscript and realized she was right. The story wasn’t finished. I found some new characters (some of my favorites) and some more adventures my main characters needed to experience. After this revision was finished, my editor asked for one more small revision. This was mostly more of the same types of things my critique buddies had helped me with. After that came the copy edits. What amazed me was how many typos are still in a manuscript after it’s been edited six times. I think we still had 30 or so things to fix. After the copy edits were completed, I really was DONE ——— with the writing, that is. The marketing and promotion has just begun.

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Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

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Simplify Your Picture Book Story

I’m currently revising a picture book and my major goal is to simplify the story.

Simple Steps to Revision

• Why simplify the story? At 1200 words, the picture book text is way too long. I needed to cut it about in half. Why? Sue Edwards has just been reading 50 picture books in a short amount of time – something you should do at least once a year if you write picture books – and she reports that “. . .short sells. I ran into very few longer books.” Simplified = Sales. Good enough reason.
• Omit Major Character. In fact, this version of the story had already simplified by leaving out a major character. It meant a total reworking of the story, but it flowed much smoother.
• Cut the conflict in half and expand what’s left. Given that 600 words is a worthy goal, what could I do? I took the first half of the story and expanded it into the whole story, thus simplifying it by leaving out the conflict in the last half of the original. It sounds drastic and it was. But after it was done. I wondered how I could ever have thought we needed that last half.
• Planning for interactivity. In the next revision, I plan to strengthen the interactivity of the story. I already have one section where kids can anticipate and chime in. I”m looking for a couple more places.
• Planning for stronger language. The cuts I’ve done so far are playing up the fun language of the story. But I think it needs more tightening, so the fun phrases will shine.
• Planning for unique characters. A friend reminded me that my characters are too stereotypical. But with minor edits, I can remove the stereotypical references and leave the characters stronger.
• Planning to connect the beginning and end. The motivation at the beginning and the resolution at the end are still not matching up exactly. It’s close – but not right. I’m searching for alternative ways of setting it up. Because I like the new ending, which means the beginning has to set up that ending.

Not much to revise, huh? And people think writing a picture book is easy?

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win