When writing a novel, picture book or other story, there are sentence constructions you should avoid and revise out when you copyedit. Here’s my top 5 list of the Worst Sentence Constructions.

1. Would
   Example: We would take walks daily. We would start at our house and we would go toward the lake and then we would circle back around.
   Why it’s bad: This construction is past tense, but talks about something habitual. Rarely does this type of summary narrative work because it’s too general and has the annoying repetition of “would.” Instead, give the reader one succinct memory of a special day.
2. As
   Example: As the sun came up, she ate her toast and jelly.
   Why it’s bad:
   • “As” implies that two events happen simultaneously, and yes, sometimes they do. But the construction is often overused. Please make sure that the events are simultaneous and not sequential. Here, it would be better to rewrite it this way (which also includes more sensory details and better verbs):
     The sunrise spread a red stain over the sea. Maria crunched her dry toast and wished for jelly.
   • Or, “As” is used to summarize something that covers a long period of time, such as a sunrise.
   • Finally, writers who tend to use the “As” construction badly, use it frequently. It’s a tic that is annoying. I just read a paragraph from one writer and there are four “as” and two more “as if”. Too much!
3. To be verbs: is, are, has, had, am (and so on)
   Example: It was sad.
   Why it’s bad:
   To be verbs indicate a state of being; they do not indicate action. Great writing focuses on action, especially in picture books for kids. Instead replace To Be verbs with strong active verbs.

   Let’s rewrite and give the sentence both a strong subject and strong verb:
   Grandmother wiped tears from her wrinkled cheeks.

4. Speech tags other than “said”

   Example: “Look out,” she blurted.
   “Look out,” she moaned.
   “Look out,” she hiccuped.

   Why it’s bad: I know that students are often taught to replace “said” with other words, but it rarely works in professional writing. It’s a great exercise for a thesaurus, but not for great writing. For commercial fiction, using other speech tags draws attention to the tag, instead of the dialogue where you want the reader to pay attention. Only use alternates when it’s imperative to do so.

   Rewrites–you have a couple options here, each with a slightly different emphasis. An alternative may work–but be sure you need it :
   “Look out!”
   “Run!” she screamed.
   “Fool, look out,” she said.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

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Simplify Your Picture Book Story

I’m currently revising a picture book and my major goal is to simplify the story.

Simple Steps to Revision

• Why simplify the story? At 1200 words, the picture book text is way too long. I needed to cut it about in half. Why? Sue Edwards has just been reading 50 picture books in a short amount of time – something you should do at least once a year if you write picture books – and she reports that “. . .short sells. I ran into very few longer books.” Simplified = Sales. Good enough reason.
• Omit Major Character. In fact, this version of the story had already simplified by leaving out a major character. It meant a total reworking of the story, but it flowed much smoother.
• Cut the conflict in half and expand what’s left. Given that 600 words is a worthy goal, what could I do? I took the first half of the story and expanded it into the whole story, thus simplifying it by leaving out the conflict in the last half of the original. It sounds drastic and it was. But after it was done. I wondered how I could ever have thought we needed that last half.
• Planning for interactivity. In the next revision, I plan to strengthen the interactivity of the story. I already have one section where kids can anticipate and chime in. I”m looking for a couple more places.
• Planning for stronger language. The cuts I’ve done so far are playing up the fun language of the story. But I think it needs more tightening, so the fun phrases will shine.
• Planning for unique characters. A friend reminded me that my characters are too stereotypical. But with minor edits, I can remove the stereotypical references and leave the characters stronger.
• Planning to connect the beginning and end. The motivation at the beginning and the resolution at the end are still not matching up exactly. It’s close – but not right. I’m searching for alternative ways of setting it up. Because I like the new ending, which means the beginning has to set up that ending.

Not much to revise, huh? And people think writing a picture book is easy?

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Wisdom, the Midway Albatross

by Darcy Pattison

Giveaway ends March 11, 2012.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win